here it goes..

documentation on my life.

my adventures.

This summer I embarked on a journey. I was chasing something. This was a journey of discovery, not only a discovery of who I am and who I plan to be, but a journey to discover joy. The real stuff. (Now, before you go on, disclaimer: this is a testimony of faith and yes, it does get a little “ghosty” as a friend of mine would say.

I got out of school the last week May, the 30th to be exact, and by June 2nd my summer was in full swing. My plan was to go from my high school church camp to leading at the middle school camp, come home, babysit for five days, leave again for a different camp, be home for a week, go on vacation, be home for five more days, and then leave for five weeks to go to a college summer program. For those who may not know, this is all three months of the summer vacation right before my senior year of high school. I absolutely adore being constantly busy and hyper-active.

this will be a four part series.

{pt. 1: hs camp}

{pt. 2: ms camp}

{pt. 3: my third camp}

{pt. 4: summer program}

June 25th

So tonight was hard. I said goodbye to a guy who is like my older brother because he is leaving for college and his family is moving so the chances of me seeing him are slim. I also said a temporary goodbye to one of my best friends because by the time I get back from my summer program he will have gone off to college and because of our schedules I don’t know if I’ll be able to see him before either one of us leaves. I got home from church and sno-cones (an after church tradition my youth group has on Wednesday nights in the summer) and was whisked away to sleep at a friends house. Let’s just say that I cried for about an hour, talked on the phone with my best friend until three in the morning because I was absolutely distraught over not being able to see him for awhile and then I ate a whole tub of cookie dough.

But on the bright side I won a scavenger hunt and got a free sno-cone!

Please know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for my messed up mind and my screwed up perception of love and I’m sorry if this breaks your heart. I’m sorry that you just wasted two months of your time and I’m sorry if you never find it in you to forgive me. I am so so sorry. For some reason i can’t think of a single reason that you could find to remotely have any feelings for me because i’ve never known what thats like. When you pulled me close and i guess i subconsciously pulled away. You know me and so when something begins to happen with another human, as you may know, I immediately do the opposite of whatever is going on. Maybe this means I’m heartless and incapable of human affection, i don’t know but what i do know is this: I’m so sorry. I can’t do this. I need time to work on me; i’ve got issues that are pretty big, bigger than you, bigger than my dad, bigger than any one person. they are all problems I have with myself and i need to take care of those before i can begin to deal with anything else. I’m sorry that you were so willing to trust me and that i couldn’t return the favor. If you can’t find it in you to forgive me i understand. trash talk me all you want by all means tell people that I’m psychotic and blame it on all me because it wasn’t anything YOU did, trust me you did everything right. But also know this I never lied to you I was always as completely honest as I could be, this just wasn’t gonna work. I’m so sorry, with everything I am i beg you to try not to hate me because if you did i could never live with myself. i’m sorry.

i still remember what it felt like to have your arms wrapped around me tight and our hearts beating in time, and i wonder if you think about it too.